Jadzia Brown

Yep, I’m Guilty.

Looking back on my life so far, I’ve noticed that the worst points in my life have always occurred after a period of ignoring my intuition. Staying when I know I should leave. Working towards things that I know I don’t really want. Putting effort into projects that I know won’t bring me fulfilment. And the most fulfilling things in life have come from following the things that felt good and that made me feel inspired and excited. I, like a lot of people, am guilty of ignoring these feelings. I push myself towards certain situations that I don’t really want to be in, but I believe it’s where I should be. On this new journey of finding The Ultimate Jam, I’ve realised that the only way I’m going to get closer to it is by following what feels good and right, even if it’s scary.

#Worstdayofmylife

I just ended the most serious relationship I’ve ever been in. God, it’s horrific. The thought was terrifying, and the consequences are unbelievably painful. I spent the entirety of yesterday crying. Absolutely bawling my eyes out. And to make things even worse? That same day, I accidentally reversed into a brand new BMW. The universe really works in mysterious ways sometimes. And so, here I am, £500 down and absolutely exhausted. Despite this, I know I made the right choice. I love them. Probably more than I’ve ever loved anyone. But I wasn’t being treated the way I deserved, and it was draining me. And I’m sure it was draining them in a way too.

Back To The Basics

I’m still very uncertain about where I’m going or what I’m doing. By uncertain, I mean I have absolutely no idea. My plans for a future have been shattered since many of them revolved around building a life with someone else. However, there was a time when I felt like this before. Over a year ago, I just started trying to get back into the things I found somewhat enjoyable. That’s how I ended up learning to build 3D things in Blender. It was fantastic and exciting and creative. I was learning new things and creating stuff that I was actually proud of. It’s been a few months since I’ve been on it, but it’s proof that I can find fulfilment by going back to the basics of chasing what makes you happy.

WRITE, JADZIA, WRITE!

That’s why I’m here, writing this blog. Writing makes me feel better. Maybe blogging isn’t really a huge passion of mine, but writing anything at all is helping me get back into the swing of it. I’ve even been working on a short piece of spicy fanfiction like the good old days. It’s a slow process, like trying to use a muscle you haven’t worked in years. But it feels good. I’ve also been reading back through my old poetry. Not to toot my own horn, but it’s something that genuinely makes me think “wow, I’m actually pretty good at writing.” I haven’t written much poetry lately, but it’s always been a good outlet for me.

Baby Steps

Aside from writing, I’ve started a list of things I’d like to at least attempt to do over the course of the year. Things that I think would make me happy, because the thought of it certainly does. A few of these include: learning to skate (rollerskates or skateboard? I’m still deciding), trying to make my own clothing, playing in a band at least once, and publishing the poetry anthology I’ve been “working on” for years. I should also get back into the 3D stuff. Basically, anytime I think of something that makes me feel excited or joyful, I write it down. Hopefully, it gives me some sort of direction. These are the things that make me happy, so I should follow them. Deep down, I know these are the things that will lead me to The Ultimate Jam.